and tomorrow I'm starting my internship. And monday I'm buzzing my hair. That's the plan at least. And it darn well better happen. I'm waiting for laundry to be done. maybe it's done....
it was.
and now I am.
Friday, September 4, 2009
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
On the topic of marriage
"Oh, you know Jordan? I think he was working earlier today, but his wife might be here still this afternoon."
WIFE?! my ear got stuck on that word, and I knew that's the way it was, of course. To be expected. I wouldn't have expected anything less.
Unfair. unfair. unfair. unfair. Why do I always fall for the unavailable ones? I could just try and stop trying. But I don't think I'd be capable of that. Really. Nope.
gah!
nope.
Recomposing my self I decide to make supper instead of crunching on granola.
It's funny how very short words can change everything:
wife
I do
yes
no
sorry
fired
hired
died
gone
sick
baby
and yet, when we use those words they usually can never express what is really the case. Maybe words are never enough. They aren't. It's not a maybe thing. Words don't work. Sometimes, once in a very rare while, the right combination will make a person cry or laugh, two ways that we can physically know that the words move us. I love when that happens.
except for today.
WIFE?! my ear got stuck on that word, and I knew that's the way it was, of course. To be expected. I wouldn't have expected anything less.
Unfair. unfair. unfair. unfair. Why do I always fall for the unavailable ones? I could just try and stop trying. But I don't think I'd be capable of that. Really. Nope.
gah!
nope.
Recomposing my self I decide to make supper instead of crunching on granola.
It's funny how very short words can change everything:
wife
I do
yes
no
sorry
fired
hired
died
gone
sick
baby
and yet, when we use those words they usually can never express what is really the case. Maybe words are never enough. They aren't. It's not a maybe thing. Words don't work. Sometimes, once in a very rare while, the right combination will make a person cry or laugh, two ways that we can physically know that the words move us. I love when that happens.
except for today.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Tired but content
Tired but content I sit at the computer, delaying the time when I have to finishing packing up my suitcase like a snail's shell to be transported to St. Louis, my half-year home.
Tired but content because I had a good cry at Mass tonight, and for the first time in a while I felt my heart cracking open to God. I actually felt it.
Tired but content with what is happening in my life in terms of love.
Tired but content and ready for bed. Ready for anything.
.....
yellow.
Tired but content because I had a good cry at Mass tonight, and for the first time in a while I felt my heart cracking open to God. I actually felt it.
Tired but content with what is happening in my life in terms of love.
Tired but content and ready for bed. Ready for anything.
.....
yellow.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
you and I will never have this moment again. never. I will never be typing these words at a desk in a cabin in a ranch outside of Sheridan, WY. I will never miss him in quite the same way, I will never dread the other in quite the same way.
I will never wonder again what my future will be like after 2:40 on Friday the 7th of August.
yesterday was the feast of the transfiguration:
It's stupid of me to wonder this but I do anyway: I will ever be content with one person for the rest of my life? recently it seems like I've been switching friends about as fast as my hair color. I know that's not true, but I maybe as life seems to speed up, the rate at which I go through friends does too. That sounds bad. "Going through friends." It's not like, "I'm done with you." but life just changes, and feelings do change, uncontrollably. Realizations happen.
What if I had gone to bake bread that night instead of going to studio? I was afraid that something would happen, and being that I was already a little involved with someone else, I didn't do it. We could have been friends so much sooner.
Here Let's go happy world is turning to the dark side again. I'm so awfully sorry.
Next time, I promise I'll bake bread.
and why did the other you never play banjo for me?
How will life go magically different? thought patterns, I'm told, will always lead me the same way.
There is a wooden horse head staring at me that's ears and muzzle have been gnawed away at. gnawed. what a funny word.
gnaw. that's exactly what my thoughts do sometimes when I'm alone. When I have time to think and I haven't bothered changing from pajamas and it's 2:56 in the afternoon. Maybe I should go on a walk. right now could easily be a saturday afternoon freshman year. When I'm waiting for someone, or woke up late and haven't gotten up the strength to head to studio yet. I think I even had the same pajamas freshman year-- the ones with cows and planets.
my henna bee is fading. which makes me sad.
I read in Elle magazine when I was at the airport that men aren't as attracted to women with short hair. that's unfair. I want to cut my hair short again. Maybe i'm just super attractive and it doesn't matter what length my hair is. ha. It's just unhealthy right now after so much bleaching. Although right now it feels nice because I straightened it.
I better go and let you listen to some more Sufjan Stevens.
Where ever you are, whatever you are doing, I'm thinking about you.
///
"How do you know?" she asked. "How do I know? It just is. I don't know it. I am it." And she never again wondered if love existed, because he existed.
I will never wonder again what my future will be like after 2:40 on Friday the 7th of August.
yesterday was the feast of the transfiguration:
It's stupid of me to wonder this but I do anyway: I will ever be content with one person for the rest of my life? recently it seems like I've been switching friends about as fast as my hair color. I know that's not true, but I maybe as life seems to speed up, the rate at which I go through friends does too. That sounds bad. "Going through friends." It's not like, "I'm done with you." but life just changes, and feelings do change, uncontrollably. Realizations happen.
What if I had gone to bake bread that night instead of going to studio? I was afraid that something would happen, and being that I was already a little involved with someone else, I didn't do it. We could have been friends so much sooner.
Here Let's go happy world is turning to the dark side again. I'm so awfully sorry.
Next time, I promise I'll bake bread.
and why did the other you never play banjo for me?
How will life go magically different? thought patterns, I'm told, will always lead me the same way.
There is a wooden horse head staring at me that's ears and muzzle have been gnawed away at. gnawed. what a funny word.
gnaw. that's exactly what my thoughts do sometimes when I'm alone. When I have time to think and I haven't bothered changing from pajamas and it's 2:56 in the afternoon. Maybe I should go on a walk. right now could easily be a saturday afternoon freshman year. When I'm waiting for someone, or woke up late and haven't gotten up the strength to head to studio yet. I think I even had the same pajamas freshman year-- the ones with cows and planets.
my henna bee is fading. which makes me sad.
I read in Elle magazine when I was at the airport that men aren't as attracted to women with short hair. that's unfair. I want to cut my hair short again. Maybe i'm just super attractive and it doesn't matter what length my hair is. ha. It's just unhealthy right now after so much bleaching. Although right now it feels nice because I straightened it.
I better go and let you listen to some more Sufjan Stevens.
Where ever you are, whatever you are doing, I'm thinking about you.
///
"How do you know?" she asked. "How do I know? It just is. I don't know it. I am it." And she never again wondered if love existed, because he existed.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
HAHAHAHA
"Winter": Winters should wear colors that are sharp, stark and clear. White, black, navy blue, red and shocking pink all go well with winter complexions. For lighter colors, wear icy tones rather than pastels. Avoid subdued tones like beige, orange and gold.
actually, i think i'm an autumn.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
pleeeeeeeease!?
I WANT A RABBIT! I think it's so silly how I'm not supposed to have one. He'd just be a little guy, and I'd take good care of him...
please mommy? please Wash u? pleeeeeeeeease life?!
This is Fennel. He's at the Humane Society in St. Louis, and i reallllllly want to love him.
please mommy? please Wash u? pleeeeeeeeease life?!
This is Fennel. He's at the Humane Society in St. Louis, and i reallllllly want to love him.
Friday, July 17, 2009
love and the like
there is something in my throat. I always say that when I feel like I want to cry. it's something between lemon drops and cat fur. maybe artichoke hair.
ah! I just want to be content. To be in that state of being with a person and not wanting anything more than that.
I kind of feel weird or guilty maybe that I've changed my hair so many times, especially recently. What are my motivations? Do I do it because that's the type of person I am? Do I do it because I'm obsessed with my own appearance? I claim to be in love with things natural, so what am I doing bleaching my hair with horrible chemicals, and then coloring it pink?
If I were in a relationship right now, would I have done it? not that that person wouldn't want me to dye it, but maybe, if I have done it out of wanting to be something different, if that person loved me for who I naturally am, maybe I wouldn't have done it.
Why can't I be happy just being me? just being single? Damn it, it's because I'm not made for it. Really, honestly, I'm made to have family around me. And it's a weird transition I guess, going from the nest I was raised in, to building my own nest, and raising my little chicks.
I must endure it. And it can all be for the glory of God. This is my suffering. I have to learn that focusing on my appearance is a distraction from God. I need to remind myself that the next time I want to switch up my hair. I can't get "bored" with what God gave me. I suppose that goes with my personality as well. I can't go hating my personality, wishing I was something different. Which I have been recently. So often I feel like I'm rude, or too chatty, or boring, not cool enough. But I just have to be satisfied. And perhaps focus on God just a BIT more than I obviously currently am.
"I love you" she said. But by the time I said, "I love you too" the wind had picked up and it carried my voice to the neighbor's porch, and by the time my heart began to beat twice as fast, my words had been swept to the Mississippi and down to the Gulf of Mexico. By the time our lips met, the words "i love you" had spread to the Atlantic, Pacific, and Indian Oceans.
ah! I just want to be content. To be in that state of being with a person and not wanting anything more than that.
I kind of feel weird or guilty maybe that I've changed my hair so many times, especially recently. What are my motivations? Do I do it because that's the type of person I am? Do I do it because I'm obsessed with my own appearance? I claim to be in love with things natural, so what am I doing bleaching my hair with horrible chemicals, and then coloring it pink?
If I were in a relationship right now, would I have done it? not that that person wouldn't want me to dye it, but maybe, if I have done it out of wanting to be something different, if that person loved me for who I naturally am, maybe I wouldn't have done it.
Why can't I be happy just being me? just being single? Damn it, it's because I'm not made for it. Really, honestly, I'm made to have family around me. And it's a weird transition I guess, going from the nest I was raised in, to building my own nest, and raising my little chicks.
I must endure it. And it can all be for the glory of God. This is my suffering. I have to learn that focusing on my appearance is a distraction from God. I need to remind myself that the next time I want to switch up my hair. I can't get "bored" with what God gave me. I suppose that goes with my personality as well. I can't go hating my personality, wishing I was something different. Which I have been recently. So often I feel like I'm rude, or too chatty, or boring, not cool enough. But I just have to be satisfied. And perhaps focus on God just a BIT more than I obviously currently am.
"I love you" she said. But by the time I said, "I love you too" the wind had picked up and it carried my voice to the neighbor's porch, and by the time my heart began to beat twice as fast, my words had been swept to the Mississippi and down to the Gulf of Mexico. By the time our lips met, the words "i love you" had spread to the Atlantic, Pacific, and Indian Oceans.
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