there is something in my throat. I always say that when I feel like I want to cry. it's something between lemon drops and cat fur. maybe artichoke hair.
ah! I just want to be content. To be in that state of being with a person and not wanting anything more than that.
I kind of feel weird or guilty maybe that I've changed my hair so many times, especially recently. What are my motivations? Do I do it because that's the type of person I am? Do I do it because I'm obsessed with my own appearance? I claim to be in love with things natural, so what am I doing bleaching my hair with horrible chemicals, and then coloring it pink?
If I were in a relationship right now, would I have done it? not that that person wouldn't want me to dye it, but maybe, if I have done it out of wanting to be something different, if that person loved me for who I naturally am, maybe I wouldn't have done it.
Why can't I be happy just being me? just being single? Damn it, it's because I'm not made for it. Really, honestly, I'm made to have family around me. And it's a weird transition I guess, going from the nest I was raised in, to building my own nest, and raising my little chicks.
I must endure it. And it can all be for the glory of God. This is my suffering. I have to learn that focusing on my appearance is a distraction from God. I need to remind myself that the next time I want to switch up my hair. I can't get "bored" with what God gave me. I suppose that goes with my personality as well. I can't go hating my personality, wishing I was something different. Which I have been recently. So often I feel like I'm rude, or too chatty, or boring, not cool enough. But I just have to be satisfied. And perhaps focus on God just a BIT more than I obviously currently am.
"I love you" she said. But by the time I said, "I love you too" the wind had picked up and it carried my voice to the neighbor's porch, and by the time my heart began to beat twice as fast, my words had been swept to the Mississippi and down to the Gulf of Mexico. By the time our lips met, the words "i love you" had spread to the Atlantic, Pacific, and Indian Oceans.
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Hmm... this doesn't seem like a Let's Go, Happy World! kind of post. Who says there's anything wrong with expressing your inner Tonks/Clementine? It's who you are. For what it's worth coming from someone who isn't sure of his existence, I don't think God wants you to be static, or to torture yourself over... well... yourself.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I can assure you you're not boring. =] (Not that you're any of those things, but boring is something you couldn't do if you tried).